HOLDING ONTO HOPE AFTER HEART-BREAKING LOSS

WHY 'HOPE' IS STILL MY FAVOURITE WORD

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Back in the summer of 2023, I came across a poem by Emily Dickinson in which hope is portrayed as a little bird that keeps on singing, despite the toughest of trials. It moved me deeply and made me think of our family’s “little bird”, my beautiful niece, Safi, who was undergoing gruelling chemotherapy for bone cancer at the time.  She remained so brave and strong, her wonderful sense of humour undiminished, despite all she was having to endure, and I was inspired to set the poem to music as a tribute to her.

I entered the piece into a choral composing competition and, in December 2023, was surprised and delighted to hear that Hope Is The Thing had been selected as a prize-winner. It seemed like a good sign. Perhaps the universe had heard my prayer and my hopes for Safi’s recovery had been answered? It was a much-needed ray of light for our family at the time, especially as my mum was also in the latter stages of terminal cancer. She was so happy about the news and Safi was excited that a women’s choir at the University of Michigan were going to première the piece in the US.

Sadly, not long after this my beloved mum passed away. And devastatingly, less than one month after my mum’s funeral, our beautiful Safi also lost her brave battle with cancer. She was just 14 years old - the light of our lives.

It felt like the heart and soul of our small family had been cruelly ripped away.

The days and weeks that followed were so hard. And the date of the Hope Is The Thing première ended up being during the week of Safi’s funeral – beyond poignant. The night of the performance some of us stayed up to watch the live stream from the UK. The conductor and the choir all knew Safi’s story and they sang the piece with such tenderness and love. Somehow, I felt held across the miles. Tears streamed down my face as the lyrics about hope and never giving up soared upwards. The most achingly beautiful and yet heart-wrenching tribute to my favourite girl.

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Hope has always been my favourite word. I’ve always loved the sight of a rainbow after rain - that promise of better things to come after challenge or struggle. Hope was even the name of the horse I was given on our family’s last trip away together to the New Forest, when we all went horse-riding and my mum (at the insistence of Safi, after a throwaway comment that she never let her Grandma forget) got on a horse for the first time at the age of 80!

However, after losing Safi, I didn’t know what to think about hope any more. And I didn’t know how I felt about the piece either. Losing my mum was hard enough.

But the loss of a child, taken before they’ve had a chance to live out any of their dreams, is the worst kind of injustice possible.

How are you supposed to still believe in hope when the thing you feared most has already come to pass? And when, to borrow the words from Auden, you feel you want to “pack up the moon and dismantle the sun”?

But, even if I didn’t know how to think or feel, Hope Is The Thing still had plans for me. Just twelve days after Safi’s funeral I was due to talk about the piece at a workshop run by vocal group, Corra Sound, for the prize-winners of their competition. What started out as a day I’d been anxious about (mainly for fear of breaking down in front of strangers) turned out to be such a beautiful experience. Sharing Safi’s story, singing the piece through whilst encircled by compassion and understanding, and hearing it live for the first time was a precious moment. There were many tears, not all mine, but also so much love, kindness and support in the room.

Just one month later, the University of Michigan Women’s Glee Club went on tour to Ireland and I was able to join them and hear the piece performed in both Dublin and Cork cathedrals. Hearing their heavenly voices soar up into the vaulted ceilings of these magnificent buildings, I experienced the closest thing I had to joy in a long time and, despite the pain, I felt something of Safi’s spirit reach me through the music. Speaking to the singers afterwards, all University students, I learned how moved they had been by Safi’s story - one medical student even being inspired to do an elective in paediatrics the following semester.

I began to understand that, as well as honouring her memory, the music was a way for Safi’s message to live on.

Perhaps there were others who might be helped by hearing the music? And maybe that’s where the meaning of hope was now to be found?

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On 29th March, my chamber choir, Mosaic, will be performing the piece as part of a concert - entitled ‘Hope Is The Thing’ - alongside a beautiful programme of choral works, selected by our MD, to reflect the power of hope and the resilience of the human spirit. It will be just two days after Safi’s first anniversary and we’ll be collecting for the Bone Cancer Research Trust in her memory. Another moment where I will need to be brave. All the love I had for Safi is poured into every single note of the piece.  There is pain in there too. But above all it is Safi’s resilience, her courage, her joy and her sparkling spirit, despite all she went through, which live on through the music - a reminder to us all never to give up, even during life’s toughest challenges. I hope those coming to the concert will feel something of this as they hear it and that the music can bring hope to anyone needing it.

Because that’s the thing about hope I’ve learned. It doesn’t disappear just because you stop believing in it.

It’s like the bird in the poem - it keeps on singing, driving us forward to endure the gales and storms of our own lives. Dickinson says that hope never asks anything of us. Except that perhaps it does. For we have to actively reach for it, we have to cherish and nurture it, making room for it in our hearts - gently, as we would a little bird. And we have to hold onto it,  particularly during those moments when hope is in very short supply. We have to keep on singing and we have to keep on hoping.  And, like Safi, our own brave “little bird”, we must “never stop at all”.

To read more on Safi’s story and the inspiration behind the piece or to listen to the music follow the links. Book concert tickets here or consider making a donation to Bone Cancer Research Trust in her memory. THANK YOU

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